For most of my adult life, I moved every single year. If I wasn’t moving, I was traveling. I even started a blog about it.

I searched for happiness from city to city, state to state, job to job. I told myself it was about the adventure! the experience (shout out to FOMO)! I thought moving somehow meant I was moving forward.

But I was running from myself and my failures. Life hadn’t turned out the way I thought it would—a divorce, a younger brother in prison, parents who struggled financially… and on it goes.

I thought my next vacation or move to another city would somehow set me free. But as the saying goes, everywhere you go, there you are.

Subscribe now

Two years ago, I stopped this nonsense. I was tired. Moving constantly was physically draining and expensive. So I finally did something different—I bought a place, got a dog, and stayed put. While I felt more rooted (something about having a mortgage does that to you), I still felt as if something was still missing.

Then, this year, I got breast cancer. Two surgeries followed—a lymph node removal and a bilateral mastectomy. I didn’t need chemo or radiation. I feel so very lucky.

Illness forced me to reevaluate everything.

I started to see how much I’d neglected relationships in my life. Constantly moving made it hard for friends keep up—it kept me safe from obligations and commitments.

I hadn’t shown up for people, and working on my memoir and getting a cancer diagnosis forced me to confront that. As I wrote about my past in scenes and chapters, I began to recognize the patterns: the ways I’d sabotaged myself and fell into limited ways of thinking and made-up narratives.

So… after my diagnosis and while I was in recovery, I made it a point to shift priorities. I focused on people and relationships. I started making more time for friends and family, and, when I was sick, I allowed myself to lean on others.

Those connections brought a sense of grounding and joy that no new city, destination, or job ever could.

My new version of moving forward is about love—being present, nurturing connections, and building something meaningful with the people in my life.

So, as we close out 2024, I leave you with this: what does forward motion look like for you in the year ahead, and how will you embrace it?

Here’s a podcast that ties in nicely with this topic from NPR’s Life Kit, Take a moment to reflect before the new year.

Share

More stories…

When I try to relax, I don’t let myself savor the moment because it’s not tied to achieving something (i.e., work or writing). I wanted to discuss this with you today (and honestly, it took me a while to write this one. I struggled with why it was so difficult to untangle myself from this desire to be productive) and share what I went through over the last few months. 

Question for you to think about as you’re reading: How do you handle moments when you feel like you could be doing more? How do you give yourself some grace?

Leave a comment

A few months ago, I took a leave of absence from work due to a health crisis. I’m doing okay, but still kind of in the thick of things. 😔

Being a pretty healthy person, this news came as a shock to me. Something told me the diagnosis wouldn’t get better with the amount of work stress I was dealing with, so I went on short-term disability.

My goal was to get better, but the routine that came with my job suddenly disappeared, and honestly, it all felt so foreign and weird. I kept thinking that I needed to do something productive—never mind that doing nothing was the best thing I could do for my health.

Health crisis or not, I know I’m not alone in this—I’m a product of society’s “busy is better” culture.

I’m not doing all the things = I’m not worthy.

I had become addicted to marking something off on my to-do list because each time I did, I got that little hit of dopamine and empowerment.

Over the last few months, I was struck by how much my self-worth and ability to enjoy life were tied to my achievements.

Subscribe now

How I got here 

I’ve always been a working gal. For the most part, I’ve enjoyed a marketing and writing career in tech, despite the high stress. I was the type of person who always had a side hustle in addition to my full-time job. I wrote articles on the side for clients and would complete these assignments in the wee hours of the morning before heading off to my full-time job. I was maximizing my days—both from a career and financial standpoint. 

But I didn’t love this lifestyle. I was often tired and in bed by 8 pm because my days started at 4:30 am. As you can imagine, I also didn’t have much of a social life.

After many years of working this schedule and trying to do more and earn more, I constantly fantasized about having time off beyond the usual one-week vacation. I thought how efficient I’d be if I didn’t have to work—I could finally take an art class, become a yoga teacher, bake banana bread to my heart’s content, write more Substack newsletters, finish my memoir… 

So when my leave of absence was approved, I thought maybe I could fill my days with some of these activities. But I quickly found that I wasn't motivated to write when I sat at my laptop. The last thing I wanted to do was be on the computer. My brain didn’t want to cooperate and because of my health, I began to see it wasn’t an option to try and be productive.

Rather than fight it, I began to recognize these moments as signals. Maybe I needed to stop and think. Slow down. What were my actions telling me?

I realized I was totally burnt out.

Settling into a free schedule

As the days rolled by, I leaned into this relaxed state a bit more, and the constant desire to be productive slowly faded. 

Besides a long morning walk with my Goldendoodle Rigs (the absolute love of my life… side note, I will write a doggie-centric newsletter soon!), I let the day (and weather) dictate what I did. I wasn’t forcing myself to write or sit at my desk to figure out how to be more productive.

Not having a real schedule took some getting used to. At first, it was thrilling to have such freedom and autonomy. I made frequent visits to my doctors and went through a few surgeries and weeks of recovery. I also made plenty of trips to the grocery store, the dog park, and hung out with family.

After a while, I felt like the weeks blurred into one long day, and filling my days with errands and Trader Joe’s felt monotonous and empty. I started to dread the chunks of my day when I had nothing to do.

Although I was resting and being mindful of my stress levels, I still had that niggling feeling that I wasn’t living up to my potential each day, so therefore, I didn’t deserve to have fun or enjoy the day. I felt kind of lost.

But why couldn’t I just be lost? What was it about uncertainty that always seemed to rattle my nerves? 

I thought about this a lot, and I’m not sure I have a good answer, other than I’ve always been like this. I like to know I’m in control and that I have a plan.

But with my current health, I don’t have a plan or know what the future will bring. All I can do is assess how I’ve been living my life and always trying to control everything. I wanted to try something different—to just be lost but still find joy and satisfaction in each day.

So, as time passed, it got easier to do what I never thought possible—turn on Netflix in the early afternoon or take a quick cat nap on the couch. 

I’ve gotten more comfortable with not having a routine and a set schedule for the day. I learned that when my body is in a state of rest, I can see (and relish) the small things even more—like the day I found Rigs sleeping like this!

Long morning walks with Rigs have become a lifesaver for me.

Seeing him trot around, chase the ball, and perk up at the sight of a rabbit or squirrel makes me so happy. 

I’ve also used this time to connect with my friends and family more. They’ve been a huge source of strength, and I’m so grateful. 

Growth, self-discovery, and becoming stronger

I see this challenging moment as a lesson. For now, I’m noting where I can pause and continue to explore why being unproductive makes me feel so gosh darn bad about myself. Hopefully, it’ll help create a deeper connection to myself to not only overcome this health issue but also anything else that comes my way.

These days, I’m unproductive as hell. I can’t keep a routine or schedule and no longer have to-dos to keep track of. But these last few months have shown me that I am still whole and worthy without any of those things.

Share

Seeing all of the engagement and subscribes was truly a light in what would have otherwise been a pretty dark week. My mom broke her hip, and I felt compelled to write about it and share it with you. I hope you’ll leave me a comment and tell me how you deal with intense stress. 

“It was more painful than when I had you,” my 73-year-old mom pointed her index finger at me for emphasis. I was at the hospital last week, asking her for the details of her fall, and subsequent broken hip.

She fell while I was in Hawaii visiting my sister. When I was on the plane ride coming back, I saw a text message that said she recovering from surgery. That’s right. My mom sent a text. 😐

It reminded me of the time she sent an email to me and my sister, informing us that Dad had colon cancer and needed surgery. It was nearly two decades ago, but I remember she said not to worry and that he would be just fine, insert happy face emoji.   

I will never quite understand how she delays this kind of information from the very children who are trying to take care of her. But I digress—forgive me for the brief venting—that’s not what today’s newsletter is about.

It’s about what I learned from last week’s situation. These are the three things I need to get better at doing. I hope my mom’s fall will have some takeaways for you, too. 

Subscribe now

1. Asking for help.

So, back to the story. I got back from Hawaii and hit the ground running. I dropped off my suitcase at my parents and drove to the hospital at 9 pm. Mind you, my bedtime is 9 pm. I stayed an extra week to take care of my elderly dad and see my mom in the hospital in the evenings.

My work schedule is very demanding, and I barely have time for breaks, let alone stopping to make meals for my dad during the day. (How do people have jobs and kids?!)

The minute it turned 5 or 6 p.m., I jammed over to the hospital, which was over an hour away (sometimes an hour and thirty with extra LA traffic). I left dinner on the table for my dad, and all the while, I mentally tried to keep it together.

I could feel my stress levels rising because whenever this happens, my mind races with constant to-do lists, frantically searching for what I must do next. I can’t shut it off; sometimes, it follows me to bed and takes me a while to fall asleep. If it’s bad, I’ll even dream about my to-do lists.

I have a few close friends who live nearby, and they asked how they could help. I responded with a casual “thank you but no thank you,” because I didn’t even know what kind of help I needed, plus asking them to do something felt weird.  

One friend asked if I needed groceries. I had just gone to the store, but because I was in a rush, I had missed a few items, like sweet potatoes and yogurt. 

This is when I noticed the stress kicking in again. It’s so bizarre. Would it have been a tragedy that I didn’t have sweet potatoes and yogurt? Of course not. But for some reason, my mind kept wandering back to those damn sweet potatoes and yogurt that were at the store, which felt a world away because I was just too busy to drive there.

After some thought, and because I really wanted those sweet potatoes and yogurt, I asked her to get them for me and thanked her profusely. An hour later, she dropped off the groceries, and right away, I felt so much better—not because she was bringing the bag of groceries, but because I got to see her. Even though she was only for five minutes, I felt comforted by the gesture, and the warm hug.

A few friends actually Venmoed me money to get groceries, buy a meal for my mom and dad, or get a massage for myself. I was so touched and filled with gratitude. 

When do you notice stress levels going up?

What are you doing in your life to ask for the help you need?

• Maybe it’s a work project that feels overwhelming and you need to ask for more support or time to get it done.

• Maybe it’s asking your partner to pick up around the house more.

• Maybe it’s having an inner dialogue to be a little nicer… to yourself.

Leave a comment

2. Prioritizing

Usually, when I’m stressed, I take many short breaks by walking, seeing the sun, and going to yoga. I wasn’t able to do any of those things last week because I was stretched thin for time with work, making food for my dad, and running to the hospital in the evenings. My anxiety was high. 

To help ease some of the tension I felt around the million things I had to do, I reminded myself that I’m only one person, and there’s only so much I can do. I asked myself, “What’s most important?” 

The number one thing was seeing my mom each day. I got to spend quality time with my mom, perched in her wheelchair while I sat on the grey visiting chair. We talked about how she was doing that day, how much pain she was in, and what she did in rebab. She even threw in some childhood stories.

I also managed to prioritize a bit of friend time with a few people for dinners and good conversations. Even though I was feeling overwhelmed, I needed the mental break and honestly, I just wanted to take my mind off of the day.

How do you prioritize when things get tough?

Who’s your support team?

3. Anticipating change and reminding myself to accept the present.

When I was on the plane and saw my mom’s text message, it took a while for it to sink in. I was like, what just happened? 

Then, I started spiraling.

Because my dad’s health isn’t the best, I wondered if I would have to move back home to take care of both of them. I imagined my mom being in pain for the rest of her life because of “that darn time I fell.” I pictured her walking with a limp and a cane. I thought about the metal screw in her hip, slowly coming undone because of her osteoporosis.

I wasn’t mentally prepared for this, but I caught myself spiraling, and in that moment, I needed to remind myself that… whatever happens will happen. I can’t control it by thinking about it or trying to prepare myself for various future scenarios.

Change will happen no matter what. Life is fluid and nothing stays the same. Life doesn’t care that you expected it to be a certain way. Before this incident, I thought my mom would always be able to go on walks with me, drive her car, and help my dad. In an instant, all of those things changed.

What makes this situation bearable is seeing the good in it. Getting support from my friends, prioritizing what was most important, and accepting the future helped me move forward in a positive way.

As I sit at my desk and write this (I’m finally home after three weeks away!), I am struck by the feeling that nothing is different, but everything is different.

My mom gets out of the hospital today after weeks of intense pain and three-times-a-day therapy sessions. We’ve also enlisted the help of a caregiver to come several times a week to help both of my parents. My friends continue to message me, reminding me to reach out if I need it. 🥰

Share Memoir Junkie Wannabe Author

For more… check out my mom’s Substack or listen to a podcast I did with her about the time our store burned down in the L.A. Riots.

I wanted to write about negative self-talk because it’s a new year and instead of resolutions, I’m concentrating my efforts on areas in my life I can continue to improve upon. In 2024, it’s quieting my yucky inner voices.

The Author Stack

How to quiet down your negative self-talk

Hi friends, I was recently interviewed by Claire Tak for her amazing publication Memoir Junkie Wannabe Author about The Author Ecosystems. I was also introduced to Sophia Le through them as well, who also interviewed me. I read both publications, and I thank Claire both for being an amazing writer, but also introducing me to so much amazing writing…

Read more

2 years ago · 4 likes · 1 comment · Russell Nohelty and Claire Tak

This year, I want to really get better at quieting my negative self-talk. I also want to train my brain to stop believing false narratives like:

• I’ll never grow my Substack following

• I’ll never finish my memoir

• I’ll never be able to truly make enough money to be comfortable

• You should have your life figured out by now 

This isn’t anything new—I’ve worked on my limiting beliefs for years, but just like trying to change any other habit, it takes work and consistency. 

The reason why I want to make it a priority this year is because I want more peace in my life, especially in stressful times. I noticed when life gets more challenging (certain clients let me go or cut my hours, worrying about my elderly parents dying) the negative voice grows louder. 

Recently, I was listening to The Mel Robbins Podcast. The podcast guest was Dr. Paul Conti, a psychiatrist and author. He said to picture your inner critic as a person. Imagine this individual following you around all day and telling you you’re not smart enough, that you’ll never get that job, or run that half-marathon.

Dr. Conti’s analogy struck me because it made me realize how I had slipped back into unhealthy inner conversations. At that moment, I decided to work on this and make it a goal for the New Year and beyond. 

Why do we talk negatively to ourselves? 

Psychologists and professionals who study the brain say that from an evolutionary standpoint, we’re wired to gravitate to the negative because it is a survival mechanism. Back in the hunter-gatherer days, if you picked berries that were delicious, great. But if you chose poisonous berries that caused illness or death, you paid attention to that. 

Humans evolved to stay in tune with negative threats. Those who did were more likely to survive but also passed down those genes that made them more attentive to danger.

Share

Building awareness of negative self-talk

Over the years, I read a lot of books, especially in the self-help and memoir genres. I wanted to know how people pulled themselves out of the dark and how they learned to live their best lives. 

I was profoundly changed after reading “101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think,” by Brianna Weist. It helped me to see that my thoughts were merely a compilation of my past experiences. It served as the basis of how I formed negative narratives and how I judged myself. It was the filter in how I internalized myself, relationships, and the world around me.  

Another book that helped me better understand my limiting thoughts was Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. It's a more spiritual read than “101 Essays.” Singer discusses how to be more present and let go of painful memories that prevent us from being happy and living our best lives.

After learning more about my thoughts through these two books, I questioned whether my thoughts were true. What was true? 

This is the question I began exploring each time I had a negative thought, like not doing a good job on that project. Instead of feeling bad or fearing I’d get fired, I started asking myself if it was true. 

• Did my boss or anyone else on the team tell me I was, in fact, doing a terrible job? 

• Were we unable to hit our goals for the quarter, solely based on my performance? 

When I developed a habit of questioning the truth, I became better at letting go of those thoughts. 

Writing my memoir

A year and a half ago, I started writing my memoir. The negative thoughts flooded me. Who’d want to read my story? No one will be interested. Who are you to even write a book anyway? You’ll never finish it. 

I acknowledged these thoughts and just like I did with stressful work situations, began to question whether the thoughts were true. 

• I never wrote a book before, but why not me? 

• Why wouldn’t people be interested in what I’m writing? 

To quiet down these thoughts, or call it an “eff you” to my worst inner critics, I took actionable steps to prove I could get started on a book. I signed up for writing classes and created a Substack to mark my journey to authorship. I shared my Substack newsletters on social media. These are things that I would have never done previously. 

This past month on Substack, I finally turned on my paid subscription even though my negative voice said no one will ever pay me. Maybe so, but I did it anyway because why not me? 

I still don’t have any paid subscribers, but that’s okay because the point was to just do it. And it’s in the practice of doing that is helping to build resilience against negative self-talk.

How to build awareness

It’s impossible to catch every negative thought. But I pay attention to the ones that consistently surface. I look for thoughts that are on a loop or have patterns. I acknowledge them and observe how I feel in my body. 

Sometimes, the negative chatter is just a fleeting thought that pops in and out—why did I say that dumb joke in the meeting because no one laughed? But other times, it feels weighty. I can tell when I experience a heavier thought because I notice I hold my breath. For me, yoga helps me build a stronger synergy between my thoughts and physical body. 

To counter the moments when I find myself holding my breath, I close my eyes and take deep, calming breaths. I learned about breathing techniques that can help decrease stress and anxiety. I use the 4-7-8 method, which is inhaling for four seconds, holding my breath for seven, and exhaling for eight.

Another awareness technique is giving your negative voice a name—like Ted or Beatrice. This helps you build familiarity, and by giving it an official name, it won’t feel as scary or make you want to avoid the thoughts. With practice, you can just tell yourself, “Oh, it’s just Ted, no biggies.” 

Journaling and writing down these negative thoughts also helped me tremendously. I intentionally pointed them all out on a page. Seeing them written down gave me a sense of control. It felt cathartic. After jotting them down, I started making a point to follow the negative thoughts with a more positive story. 

What are your goals? 

Have you set a few goals for 2024? If so, identify the negative thoughts that might be dimming that vision. Write them down. Ask yourself, are they true? Can you give it a name, like Ted? What’s a more positive story you can tell yourself? 

I hope you’ll join me in an effort to build a more positive mindset for this year. Here are more resources to help you.

• Nature Journal: Effects of positive and negative self-talk on your brain

• Walden University: Positive self-talk makes you happier and more productive

• Brainz Magazine: Using curiosity to stop negative thinking

The New York Times: Journaling improves your overall health.

Upgrade to paid

I’ve never been one to romanticize writing a book. I always saw it as something that felt impossible—writing all those words and then making sure those words create tension, emotion, and meaning? Yeah. Impossible.

When I decided to write my memoir, I knew it would be an uphill endeavor. I did my best to learn. I took a bunch of writing classes, went to conferences, connected with some truly great people, and gained insights into the publishing industry. While these things fueled me to keep going, they also made me feel more discouraged.

It was as if the book-writing community commiserated in the bad news of writing a book.

Subscribe now

The deadline that forever feels like ‘someday’

Lately, I’ve been flooded with self-doubt in finishing my memoir. I keep wondering when I will finish this book. When? It doesn’t help that I’ve only been dedicating 15 minutes daily to work on my chapters. For now, these 15 minutes are all I can do, which only frustrates me more because I don’t want it to take 10 years to finish. 

Then, throw in the stuff I’ll have to deal with when it comes to publishing—the rejections, harsh critiques, and moments of sheer jealousy (you know what I’m talking about… the person who wrote their first book and immediately got a book deal).

So, why do we do it? 

Honestly, there are moments when I don’t know. I tell myself that maybe I should just walk away and be okay with everything I learned about writing my chapters and story structure. Maybe I should just move on to writing my first fiction book. 

But no matter how much this idea appeals to me, I can’t.

I have to keep going because I’ve made it this far, but more than that, it’s this need to put my story out into the world. As much as I complain, I still enjoy picking apart my past.

Each time I’d write a new scene, I realized something new about myself that sparked more questions—maybe it didn’t happen the way I thought it did. 

I can only visualize this process in that infamous “Matrix” scene when Neo plunges backward to dodge bullets in slow motion. When I write, I see past conversations and situations frozen. I shine a new light on it and turn it every way, studying its new shadows, angles, and shapes. 

Writing is therapy

It’s cliche to say that writing is therapy. But sometimes, cliches can save your life.

Memoir writing means picking at old wounds and scars. Before I started my book, I did a really good job of carefully tucking away traumatic parts of my life.

But writing, editing, rewriting, and sharing these scenes with my teachers, writing groups, and writing buddies made me feel like those tough times weren’t all that bad.

It sounds counterintuitive, but in identifying gaps in my writing and what was lacking from an emotional standpoint, I became a third-party observer of my own story. It was almost like the trauma happened to someone else.

Writing my story helped me feel a stronger connection with my own emotions. I’m learning to make sense of my past and come to terms with many things I used to feel so wronged by. When I look at my book this way, it helps ease some of the frustration and anxiety I feel about reaching the finish line.

Share

P.S.

A few quick changes on my site:

I made a paid version. You can now upgrade to $5 a month to support my work. (You’ll see an “Upgrade to paid” button at the top right corner of my site. I did this upon the advice of a fellow Substacker who said I should turn it on no matter how many subscribers I have. So, I thought, ok, why not? No pressure, but it’s there in case you want to upgrade your subscription!)

I organized my site by categories. I think you can specifically subscribe to any of these:

• Writer Tips

• Chapters (from my memoir or share chapters from other writers)

• Substack Stuff (this is about growing subscribers, stuff about Substack, etc.)

• Life (the things I’ve learned about life as a result of writing my book — mostly, anyway)

• My Favs (recommendations for favorite books, memoirs, podcasts, anything I am currently into)

On a recent road trip, I listened to a book called, “Dear Writer, Are You in Burnout?” written by Becca Syme. I read about it in one of Russell Nohelty’s articles from . He said the book changed his life, so naturally, I had to see what it was about.

To be clear, I didn’t read the book thinking, yes, I am so burnt out. Instead, I was more like, I am feeling stretched thin these days. But then, I wondered, aren’t we all? 

Before listening to the book, I was already trying to remove projects, activities, and anything adding to my frazzled state of mind. I knew there was only so much I could do in a day, and I had to remove, subtract, and release. Syme, a success coach, talks a lot about this effort to remove things from your plate.

Much to my surprise, she said burnout is the number one thing she gets asked about from her audience and clients.

Subscribe now

This is what I took away from the book, and if it resonates with you, comment below. I love hearing your feedback and want to know if you feel overwhelmed or even burnt out (and what you’re doing to remove the things that aren’t serving you). It also helps me figure out what type of content resonates with you most. 🙂

Your daily pennies

Syme correlates brain power with pennies. You have a set number of pennies each day. Let’s say it’s 200 (note: this is after a night of solid sleep so 200 means you’re well-rested).

If you woke up tired or hungover, your pennies would start lower, maybe 120. Everything you do in the day costs you those pennies.

Examples from my day would be:

• Working on my memoir: 30 pennies

• Writing an article for a client: 25 pennies

• Figuring out what shirt to wear for my Zoom call: 2 pennies

• Getting slightly anxious because I need to walk my dog (who has been staring at me from his bed): 8 pennies

• And so on…

Syme says you only have a set amount of pennies each day, and when you’ve used them all up, that’s it. The only way to get more pennies is to recharge. Get a good night’s sleep, go for a walk, call a friend, go to happy hour, watch Netflix… stuff like that. 

As I listened to the book, I thought, I am trying to be mindful of getting burnt out. I don’t force myself to keep working when my brain quits. I recognize when a break is needed. I sleep enough. I walk. I do yoga.

So why am I still feeling constantly overwhelmed, flustered, anxious, jangled…

This is something I am trying to figure out. For me, stress is like a sound machine that’s always on in the background. Sometimes I hear it, other times I don’t.

My conclusion for now is that I’ll always feel this way, and that’s okay. But I make sure to consider my plate size and daily pennies…

What’s your plate size?

While pennies relate to your brain power and energy, plate sizes are about how much you take on. Syme says the size also relates to your inherent traits and personality, meaning…

• Are you the type of person who always needs multiple projects going on? (Medium to large-ish plate.) 

• Do you thrive on being a busy bee with lots of things and more things you’re doing? (Huge plate—think: Cheesecake Factory-sized.)

• Or do you dislike juggling multiple projects and have tendencies to be overwhelmed? (Appetizer plate.)

Highly productive and efficient people can take on the large, Cheesecake Factory plates, which Syme numbers a 10.

Others can only handle small or medium-sized plates—maybe appetizer plates or slightly larger. These folks are about a 5 and prefer having the time and breathing space to go deeper on a few projects at a time.

It’s important to note that Syme stresses that if you’re a 3 or 5, it doesn’t mean you’re not as good or smart or awesome as those who operate on a level 10. Life circumstances, such as income, where you live, whether you have kids, or take care of aging parents… all contribute to your plate size. Maybe a person who is a 10 lives alone, makes great income, and can spend the time and effort juggling a large number of projects consistently.

I think I am a 6—I enjoy working on multiple projects simultaneously but get progressively more stressed as more is added to my plate. But between freelance projects, writing chapters in my book, taking multiple writing classes, and maintaining my two Substacks, the food on my 6-sized plate is full and spilling onto the table.

Even the stuff I put on hold (like creating podcasts) still stressed me out because I kept thinking about how I wasn’t working on it. 

Share

Your plate size isn’t permanent

Here’s something else that Syme recognized (and I so appreciated this)—you can have various plate sizes. If I’m a 6, it doesn’t mean I’ll always be a 6. I can take on bigger or smaller plates depending on what happens in life. Plate sizes are fluid.

Regardless of whether I’m a 6 today or a 9 next year, the important question to ask is: Is this size sustainable? 

When I heard this part, I wondered if I am truly a 6. When I really thought about it, it struck me that I wanted to be a 4 or 3. My dream is to make a living writing books. I would love to do that one thing, rather than juggling multiple clients and projects. 

So what am I doing to get to that smaller plate size? Since I can’t snap my fingers and become an instant full-time author, I am constantly assessing what activities drain vs. energize me.

Thinking = energy

I recently heard your brain uses 20% of the energy you consume.

Going back to the whole podcasting thing—I kept beating myself up because I wasn’t working on it. (I even wrote a post about trying to keep up with “all the things.”)

After realizing all of the thinking was depleting my precious pennies, I finally released myself from feeling bad about it.

I removed the audio files I had placed on my laptop’s home screen because it was just a reminder that I wasn’t doing the thing I said I was going to do. I know it sounds like such a tiny thing, but when you add up all the tiny things you’re removing, it makes a difference.

Here are other things I removed or reduced to make my plate feel less crowded: 

• Writing these newsletters—I was going hard at a once-a-week schedule for a solid year. I’ve scaled it back to 2x a month, and you know what? It’s not hindering my slow but steady flow of subscribers.

• A one-hour, weekly writing group that I used to attend religiously. 

• Falling down the rabbit hole of Slack channels (for work) because I want to seem “involved.” 

• My dog’s midday walk. I used to walk him 3x a day but removed the one at lunchtime. (Sorry, buddy.)

• I love me some hot yoga. I used to go every. single. day. It sounds insane now that I think about it. Anyone who goes to the gym knows it takes time to drive there and back, take a shower, etc. I scaled it back to ~ 3-4x a week.

• Unsubscribing to news podcasts. (Surprise: It’s all bad news anyway.)

• Unsubscribing to Substacks I no longer read. I felt guilty, but it had to be done because I realized digital clutter weighs heavily on me.

So I urge you to think about what you can remove, subtract, and release. You may not be burnt but you’re likely stressed in some way.  

Imagine a clean, porcelain white plate and your favorite food on it.

Is it a nice balance of food vs. plate? Can you actually see the white plate underneath the food?

If so, wonderful.

If not, reexamine what you have going on and figure out what you can remove. 

Start with one thing, and as Syme says throughout the book, question everything (she calls this questioning the premise) and don’t just accept things for what they are.

Is your current plate size sustainable? If not, what will you remove?

P.S. Syme also has a podcast called QuitCast that goes over what to quit, what to keep, and what to question.

I needed to move my couch to the basement. Against my better judgment, I decided to do it myself.

Fail.

It was as if the couch was built with the exact design and measurements to one day get trapped on the top of my stairwell. 

What bugged me most was that it stayed like that for 12 hours.

Whenever I get myself into what I call tiny crises, I need to fix them right away because I’m a fixer.

Subscribe now

But the sofa was wedged. There would be no solution for a while because no one was around to help. It was stuck, and so was I.

Instead of moving on with my morning and finishing my writing assignments, I started obsessing. One of the sofa’s legs was perfectly caught in the closet door at the top of the stairs. Why didn’t I just remove one of the legs before moving it? What a stupid mistake.

Maybe I could twist off one of the legs. Maybe I should call a handyman. Would anyone even come out? Or would I just get laughed at? Maybe I should call my neighbor—wait no, he’s at work. I think can just muscle it down the steps. I’m pretty strong for a woman. I pulled with all my strength to see if I could get that one leg unwedged.

Then, I felt a twinge in my lower back. Uh-oh. I knew this feeling, and it wasn’t good. I immediately went into the kitchen and gulped down four Advils. I don’t even know why I bothered trying to use blunt force. The sofa didn’t move an inch. There would be no more attempts, and now, I was annoyed at myself for my injury that would no doubt take weeks to fully heal.

With my lower back throbbing (or was I feeling the pain of defeat?), I hobbled up the stairs to get to my writing. I was done thinking about the stupid piece of furniture.

Much to my delight, the couch dilemma no longer took up brain energy. I thought, hey, this is kind of cool. Look at me, not caring or obsessing about this couch situation anymore. 

But what just happened here?

I realized I surrendered to a situation in which I was helpless and out of my control. After I did that, I cared less. I wasn’t as worried and anxious anymore.

I started thinking about how I could apply this tiny lesson to other parts of my life. I thought about moments when I sometimes lay awake in the wee hours of the morning. These are the things that need fixing:

• My book—When I’m not writing as frequently as I’d like. 

• My income as a freelance writer—the constant stress of needing more.

• My Substacks—Why am I not getting the level of engagement I want? 

• Wanting to do more podcasts—I’m still editing the same podcast… for over a month.

The sofa situation taught me to lean into uncertainty. I hope I can get better at recognizing the metaphorical couches in my life and know that everything will be just fine even if they stay stuck for a while.

When was the last time you leaned into uncertainty or loss of control? I’d love to hear about them.

Share

Epilogue

My neighbor came by after work, unscrewed two of the legs, and the couch slid down the steps—problem solved. 

Oh, one last tiny lesson I learned:

• Trust your first instinct. Especially If it says, Don’t move the couch by yourself.

More stories…

I wrote a personal essay for a podcast and it taught me to be better at this

Writing to decode your feelings

I wanted to create a podcast for a while, but the thought of having to do all the things—record, find the right mic, edit, figure out which tools/software to use, promoting it felt like a bridge too far. 

But the desire kept gnawing at me, like a kid tugging at the back of my shirt, begging me to give him candy or buy him a toy. 

I kept wondering, why is it so hard for me to start this damn thing?

So I thought, I will only focus on the recording part so I can stop thinking about it. I told myself I’d worry about the editing later. 

I bought a few mics from Amazon and recorded interviews with my parents. Each time I went home to visit my folks, I turned on the mics and hit record.

I shared my first podcast about their experience with the L.A. Riots in last week’s Substack. 

Subscribe now

I got clear on the why

My parents are getting older and I wanted to capture their stories. Of course, a lot of what I capture in the recordings will also go in my book, so I needed it for research, but in a way, it was also just an excuse to talk to them.

My family wasn’t the best at communicating when I was growing up. I never really knew where my parents came from, or what their parents were like. 

Nearly all of my grandparents died before I was born. I met my mom’s dad when I was five and he was on his deathbed in Korea. I don’t remember much. There’s only one photo of my dad’s mother in existence (framed at my uncle’s house). I’ve never seen a photo of my dad’s father because my dad doesn’t have any.

My parents won’t be around forever, and when I’m old and grey and miss them, I can turn to these podcasts. These recordings are also for my siblings, especially my younger brother. I think of these podcasts as something I can pass on to him. 

Editing, the next hurdle

Once I captured the conversation about the L.A. Riots, the file sat there on my computer for nearly a month. I dragged my feet on learning how to use an editing platform. Which one would I use? Garageband? Riverside FM? Audacity?

I felt that tug on my shirt again. 

I looked up some YouTubes on the pros and cons of Garageband and decided since it’s already on my computer and it’s free, I’ll just go with it. I wasn’t quite ready to pay for a podcast editing program yet. 

Big takeaway—Garageband sucks as a podcast editing tool. I hated having to manually adjust the volume. The default volume settings are also confusing. It’s not very user-friendly, so I had to look up how to add a new audio file.

Bite-sized works for me

Instead of trying to get all of the editing done in one day, I took my time with it. I did this so I wouldn’t stress myself out.

There were days when I edited for 15 minutes and then I’d go on a hike. I chipped away at editing and slowly learned Garageband in bite-sized increments—how to add voiceover and adjust the sound. 

Despite my dislike for Garageband, there were moments when I’d get lost in editing for a few hours. It was a nice change of pace from writing and if I can sit in one place for more than an hour it means I’m in the flow.

I was eager to see how the podcast would come together with music, and it was so satisfying to see my creation complete.

I was thrilled that I finished and eager to share it with my parents. I felt like a first-grader showing my mom an art project I made in school. It wasn’t perfect and there were narration mistakes and parts that I could’ve made better, but it takes practice that I know will come with time.

My takeaways from creating this podcast

Starting without overthinking is key.

This is my mantra for lots of things I don’t feel like doing but have to—writing 2,000-word articles for clients about topics I’m not interested in or going to yoga when I’d rather sit in front of the TV. 

I’m reminded of Mel Robbins’ book, “The Five-Second Rule.” In a nutshell, the book is about this: “If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it.” Five seconds! 🤯

A second important takeaway is to give myself enough space and freedom. Go at my own pace and do it one step at a time. But here’s the hard part—I did it without feeling bad about it (and about myself).

I also learned that I have to give myself some tangible deadlines. A three-month window to learn a tool and edit a podcast is a smidge too long. However… I realized that three months brought a kind of awareness that helped me identify the areas I was resisting and why. 

For example, my disdain for Garageband was the main reason why it was taking me forever to edit, even though I really wanted to finish.

So last week, I signed up for Riverside.FM. They have a free plan that allows you a few hours to edit each month. I’ll start with that and see if I like the platform before I decide to upgrade.

Other things I did for motivation

I’m a big believer in taking classes.

For extra motivation and to learn something new, I took a three-hour podcast storytelling masterclass in May with the great Rob Rosenthal. I learned what it takes to create a great story from audio. 

I also appeared as a guest on a few podcasts (Crime & Compassion with Shayla Raquel which is not published yet, We Travel There, and at The Write Life Balance). As a guest, I was able to see how other podcasters structure and format their questions and what software they use. 

Podcasting—I love it. Getting started with my first one was almost like an experiment. I leaned into how I felt along the way and what made me feel excited vs. when I was dragging my feet.

When I got clear on why I wanted to do it, worked a little at a time, and allowed some flexibility, I felt less overwhelmed and more satisfied.

Curious to know what you did to get motivated on new projects. How did you start?

Share

More stories…

Last week, I wrote about submitting a personal essay for Writing Class Radio's podcast. The first comment was from Allison Langer, one of the editors who helped me with that essay. She said, "Editing is love." 

It was such a great quote I decided to dedicate today's newsletter to it and recount my evolution with editing. 

When I was a newbie writer, I hardly thought of editing as love. I felt like it was a necessary evil, a bandaid that needed to be ripped off, so I’d tell myself, hurry the f*ck up. 

My revised draft would come in, and I'd be paralyzed at my desk, afraid to open it. Now, I see it as a joyful process with people who care about me. As Allison said, it’s love.

Subscribe now

My first editor

Henry was an older gentleman who wore bow ties, sweater vests, and horn-rimmed glasses. He was whip-smart and could out-grammar anyone. He was my editor when I worked as an editorial web producer for Warner Brothers.

It was 2010 and I was at Extra, the TV show about celebrities hosted by Mario Lopez. Like the other producers on the show I sat in the newsroom, but I worked strictly on the website. 

I used to joke that the other web producer and I were the show's ugly stepchildren. We weren't important enough to be in the center of the newsroom but my little cubicle near the front door was just fine because I loved working there. 

Based on the show, I had a lot of flexibility in what I could pick and choose to write about for the website; my early-hour shift was fantastic, and my boss was the coolest.

The scariest part of my day was dealing with Henry. 

I'm not sure why, but Henry worked from another office. He called me on the office phone whenever he had edits or questions about my writing. The red button on the phone would light up, causing a mini heart attack each time.

On a good day, Henry called no less than five times. He worked on several other Warner Brothers shows and didn't have time to chat on instant messenger. 

He sometimes asked his questions nicely, but he often yelled. Henry was sarcastic and funny, and no one could make me feel more stupid when it came to grammar could I please stop misspelling every day vs. every day, for Christ’s sake? He was stressful yet so delightful.

I still remember turning in the very first piece to Henry. My fingers hovered over the "send" button on my email, my hands clammy.

The more slashes and comments I received, the more of a failure I was. I'm making Henry’s job harder. I’m not doing a good enough job of engaging the show's audience. My writing is boring. I suck at grammar. 

Perhaps some of that was true, but much of it was in my head. I was too focused on what Henry thought of me as a person. I felt like I was constantly being judged.  

But I learned to appreciate Henry’s direction, and over time, my writing improved. 

After Extra, I transferred to another show, this time, with Anderson Cooper in NYC. Henry continued to be my editor. 

Eventually, Henry and I became pals, and I stopped being afraid of his edits because we were buddies. Underneath his prickly exterior, he was just a big softie. 

Sure, I'd get chastised occasionally, but I knew he cared about my work and me. Plus, I realized his edits were usually quick and he always made the final piece so much better.

As they say in show biz, I grew a thicker skin, and it got easier to see slashes and marks on my drafts. 

I have never made the mistake of every day vs. every day. 

Taking edits personally

After TV, I worked in tech, where I had to understand the nuances of software and hardware and how it served a particular group of customers.

Because the writing was so technical, I relied on the product and engineering teams to review what I wrote. Unlike my time at Extra, I didn't have a Henry and I didn’t take drastic edits to heart because my "editors" mostly looked for technical mistakes.

So back to submitting my essay for the podcast and all of the edits I received. I subconsciously thought, my essay wasn't a technical piece about some software or data integration; it was about me. It's a personal essay, which means only I can write it; only I know myself, what's true, and how I feel inside. It's a part of me, so how could I not take the edits personally? That's why I felt squirmy and deflated each time I opened the draft and saw it was filled with comments, questions, and strikethroughs.  

But once I slowed down to contemplate the edits and opened myself up to go deeper and figure out the why, why, why, I saw a much more emotionally-driven story emerge. 

The piece transformed from a chrysalis to a butterfly, and the process was so rewarding. 

My teachers, Allison and Andrea cheered me on the whole time. You've got this. You're almost there. This is looking so much better. 

My squirminess began to fade, and I started to see each edit as a gift.

How do you view editing? Has it been an evolution for you too? Curious how you think about it.

Share

More stuff on editing…

We originally recorded the conversation so I could share it as a podcast, but the software program I used was new and apparently recorded only my voice and not hers. But I’m glad we had the conversation because I heard the full story and it really resonated with me, so I wanted to share it with you today.

Mariana went on her very first writing retreat in February. It was one of those opportunities where the stars aligned so perfectly it was impossible to say no. 

The daily grind of work and life left Mariana stressed and overworked. Weekends were never long enough to catch up on sleep, exercise, errands, and time with friends—and that deeper desire to create something for herself was stifled. She was ready for something, anything. 

Subscribe now

Of course, I didn’t know any of this when I texted and asked if she could drop everything and go on a writing retreat (like, tomorrow) to Key Largo with Writing Class Radio. 

Someone had canceled and I was asked by one of the teachers if I was interested in going—all I had to do was pay for my plane ticket to Florida. As much as I wanted to jump at the chance, the timing couldn’t have been worse. I was moving to a different state, so I passed. I was asked if I knew anyone else who might be able to go—I immediately thought of Mariana.  

I thought of her because I knew “no” wouldn’t be the first thing she’d say. Even if she did, she’d weigh the pros and cons before reaching that decision. She can also hold a conversation with anyone.

She’s the kind of person who is willing to put herself in uncomfortable situations, and in this case, surround herself with a group of writers and do something totally foreign, like writing personal essays. Mariana is a naturally curious person and opens herself to the universe and when it calls to her in unexpected ways.

All of these qualities are reasons why I am drawn to her and why I thought she was the perfect person to go on the retreat. 😍

After a few back-and-forth texts and calls with Mariana and my teacher, it was done. She was excited to go on her first writing retreat to Key Largo and enjoy five days of writing, sunshine, and home-cooked meals. Oh, but only if it were that simple… 

Trying something new is hard

Feeling like I had just signed up my kid for her first summer camp, I felt slightly nervous. Anything new can be scary. Being around a group of writers can be intimidating, especially when you don’t come from the writing world. 

Plus, English is not Mariana’s first language, so getting over that hump of wondering if her grammar was correct or if she used the right words would likely be another hurdle. I remember when my mom was in school to get her AA degree and had to write essays. She was always concerned about grammar and sounding too much like a foreigner. I could tell it made her feel a certain shame and embarrassment.

I sent Mariana a bunch of “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine” texts while giving her a heads-up about what to expect. I tried to reassure her that she would learn quickly just by listening. 

In one text, I wrote, “It’s hard to explain, but you’ll start to quickly understand what you’re supposed to do after listening to the other writers, what they choose for their topics, and how they write.” 

I also told her to be mentally prepared—there will be a lot of writing and listening and critiquing. But I also said that some of the other writers, a few of whom I “knew” through Zoom calls in our writing classes, were wonderful people. They’re humble and open to learning and growing. I reassured her that the entire group would be awesome—it’s just the vibe at Writing Class Radio.

As soon as she arrived

Despite my encouragement, in the first few days of the retreat, feelings of fraudster-dom had swallowed Mariana up. 

When she first told me this while we were in Norway, she said, “Claire. I had to literally Google ‘how to write a personal essay’ at the airport! I had no idea how to structure an essay or what to write.” She laughed at how ridiculous she felt, but it made me realize that her fraudster feelings started before she even reached the house.

As soon as she got to the retreat, she thought, What. Am. I. Doing. Here. 

Unlike the other writers, Mariana didn’t have a chance to come prepared with an essay. Like a child forgetting their homework at school, it immediately dawned on her that she had nothing to work on during the writing sessions. 

In tears, she called her boyfriend and said she wanted to go home. He calmed her down and after hanging up, she felt a tiny bit better. 

While she may not have the knowledge to write like the other people in the house, she thought, “I’m at a gorgeous beach house in Key Largo with a bunch of very nice strangers—life could be worse.” 😆

Feeling a sense of purpose

When they weren’t writing, Mariana had conversations with the other writers. Whenever she saw people cleaning up or setting up for meals or activities, she jumped in to help. As a certified yoga instructor, Mariana also somehow ended up teaching yoga to the group each day.

It was her way of pitching in, and in her words, “to not feel completely useless.”

I realized that for Mariana (and for other people who have ever experienced imposter syndrome in certain settings), it wasn’t just about the writing stuff. It was also about being able to engage with the other people in the house and feeling helpful. 

The first time I…

Then, at each writing session, she tried her best to write. As she put it, “The words did not flow.” She eeked out a few hundred words and felt mostly stuck. 

She listened to the other writers read their essays and it started to sink in—what parts of their lives they chose to focus on, what made it interesting, why it mattered. 

In one session, the prompt was “The first time I…” 

Mariana wrote about her first time eating an edible. When she listened to what others wrote—about trauma and hardships, she immediately regretted the topic she chose. What would they think of her story—the first time she took an edible? How stupid. 

But after she shared her story, she noticed the smiles and laughter. They thought it was fascinating and wanted to know more. 

Feeling worthy

Even if you’re self-aware enough to recognize imposter syndrome, it’s impossible to “talk yourself” out of feeling it. It’s like going through a breakup and reminding yourself not to feel sad. Something needs to happen in order for that sadness to start to disappear—maybe it’s time, perhaps it’s dating a rebound, or meeting with a therapist.

For Mariana, her feelings of unworthiness began to melt away after forming connections, sharing her yoga practice, and reading her edibles essay.

After she told me the whole story, I was so proud of her. I admire Mariana’s ability to dive into unfamiliar situations but also notice when she feels uncomfortable. She was able to recognize when she freaked out and took small steps to reflect on it.

She wants to continue writing and sometimes joins First Draft (when she’s not in one of her zillion meetings for work) to practice jotting down her stories.

Share

More reads…

Summer is here and the year is half over. Let’s see… what I have not accomplished? My book. 😭

In all seriousness, I think I’ve gotten better at focusing where my attention goes. It’s a choice—I can fixate on feeling hopeless about not publishing my book anytime soon or I can focus on all the discoveries I’ve made about myself while writing it.

I realized I was searching for the silver lining in not only writing my book, but whenever I felt like I wasted my time on a project or in moments when I wasn’t being productive.

Subscribe now

Now that it’s June, I thought it would be a good time to take note of all of these activities and little accomplishments and give it some recognition. Today’s newsletter is about recognizing all of the wonderful things that have happened (and biggest takeaways) since I began writing my manuscript.

It’s about the classes I’ve taken, the podcasts I’ve listened to, and all of the cool people and amazing writers I’ve met along the way.

Memoir writing classes

June marks the final month in a class I started in January—Write Your Memoir in 6 Months. The class is led by the owner of She Writes Press, Brooke Warner, and the founder of the National Association of Memoir Writers, Linda Joy Myers. 

The class is meant to help you write your memoir by turning in 2,500 words every other week for class. Then, Brooke (or Linda Joy, depending on which teacher you are assigned) gives me feedback and edits directly in the Word Doc. 

This class was critical to me because it helped me realized my original manuscript wasn’t going to cut it. I kept asking, “What is this story even about? (Not sure.) Would I want to read it? (No.)” 

I decided to pivot and tell a different story, a more compelling one. Brooke agreed with my new direction too.  

In case you’re wondering if a lecture-based class with personal feedback is right for you, here are pros and cons.

Pros of a lecture-led class

• The feedback from Brooke was insightful and pushed me to think more deeply about my story. I learned how to hold the tension in scenes, to give more thought to my prose when I talk about emotions—something that is not easy!

• This class forced me to write and turn in 2,500 words every other week. There were so many weeks when I really didn’t feel like doing it, but somehow, I never missed a deadline.

Cons of a lecture-led class

• There were no in-depth discussions because the class was too large. However, students were able to ask questions as the lecture is happening or put them in the comments for the teachers to answer.

• Watching slides and listening to a lecture on Zoom felt a bit dull and it was difficult to pay attention.

The only other class I can compare Write Your Memoir in 6 Months to is a memoir class I took last year with Wendy Dale. I wrote about it previously.

Wendy’s class was smaller (only six students) and was discussion-based. We’d share five pages of our manuscript before class and then take about 20 to 30 minutes to talk about each person’s work. 

My takeaway from Brooke’s class and Wendy’s is that I prefer a discussion-led class. It’s why I’m excited for the next one—led by Allison Langer at Writing Class Radio. I also love that these classes force me to write and hold me accountable. 

It’s another six-month memoir class and I imagine it will be intense because the class meets weekly.

With this class, I am hoping to have my story and manuscript in a better place by December.

Share

Podcasts: Unsubscribing and listening to new ones

This year, I’ve learned a lot about publishing (self-publish vs traditional vs hybrid) through listening to podcasts. These shows (The Creative Penn, The Shit No One Tells You About Writing, Qwerty, The Indy Author Podcast, The Book Marketing Podcast)  focus on marketing your book. I have the basics down regarding:

• What it takes to get an agent

• Work with a traditional punisher

• Self-publish or go hybrid

Slowly, over the course of a few months, I unsubscribed from all of the podcasts about publishing because I am clearly not at the publishing stage. I didn’t want to overwhelm my brain any more than it already was. 

But alas, I can’t stay away from podcasts, so rather than defaulting to the news or other junk, I returned to podcasts that tell a great story. Because I’m interested in creating my own podcasts, I now listen more intentionally with a podcast-creator’s ear. Stuff like:

• The script and how it’s written

• The questions from the host (if it’s an interview-based show)

• How it’s all pieced together to tell an emotionally-charged story

• The background music and sound effects and how they play into my emotions

Recent podcasts with stories I could not stop listening to:

Violation—the story of Jacob Wideman, who has been in prison for more than 30 years for killing someone when he was 16. The podcast reveals why the U.S. parole system is a black box and, in my opinion, totally f*cked up.

According to Need—an award-winning podcast about homelessness in the Bay Area, a huge problem I am familiar with because I used to live there. It also helps listeners understand why the system is so convoluted and isn’t set up to actually help people. 

My all-time favorites:

• This American Life

• Fresh Air

• Snap Judgement

• Sound School Podcast

• Love Letters

• Twenty Thousand Hertz

A writing community

When I started writing my memoir, I knew I needed to surround myself with like-minded writers. I don’t like writing alone. Does anyone?

I wanted the support and confidence to keep going. Today, I am in a handful of groups and I have an accountability partner too.  

• Women in Publishing: This is a group that was started as a result of the last Women in Publishing conference. We meet once a month to talk about where we are in our book-publishing process. If anything, it’s inspiring to hear these women talk about agents, book covers, and when their books are hitting the stores. Oo-la-la!

• Accountability partner: I meet with this person (who I met through Write Your Memoir in 6 Months) once or twice a month to go over stuff like how motivated or unmotivated we are about writing or about the latest roadblocks. We also swap chapters and give each other feedback.  

• Writing Class Radio’s First Draft: These are classes I pay for, and there’s something so motivating about writing in real-time with other people and listening to their stories. It’s mostly the same faces each week and through their personal essays, I feel like I know some of their intimate secrets and personal triumphs even though I’ve never talked to them outside of class. It’s this part of writing that I have learned to appreciate so much. It’s such a privilege.  

• Substack: In having subscribers of my own and being a subscriber to so many impressive Substack publications, I’ve connected with writers who are doing the exact same thing as me. I regularly join Substack’s Office Hours and post from time to time on Notes, which is Substack’s version of Twitter. It’s delightful to see what other people are writing about and what makes them tick. 

My biggest takeaway from growing connection to other writers is that I want it to be a permanent part of my writing life. I knew it was going to be important when I first started my book, but I didn’t know just how much I’d come to rely on a community to learn from, share my experiences with, and feel inspired by.  

What silver linings have you discovered this year?

Share

More reads…

I’m in Norway with one of my dearest friends, Mariana. 😃

I normally don’t have problems coming up with topics to write about for Memoir Junkie Wannabe Author, but this week was a bit of a struggle. I expected myself to get on my laptop each morning and work on my book and this Substack, but the only time I really opened my laptop was when I was catching up on my HBO Max shows (Love & Death, anyone?).

Subscribe now

Maybe it’s because I’m traveling for the first time internationally since the pandemic, or maybe I’m just in vacation mode, but I definitely tried to brainstorm a few things for today’s newsletter. Then I just gave up. 

Maybe being in Norway is showing me that it’s okay to step away from writing, even when I feel like I should be writing instead of sitting on the couch at my Airbnb and doing nothing. 

Normally, I’d save a post like this for my travel blog (which I just moved over to Substack) but I’m breaking the rules and going with something more light-hearted and not related to my book.

Here are photos of this week’s trip. Plus, a few new things I learned about Norway. 

• My last name (with an extra k) means thank you in Norwegian. I am so Takk-full to be here with one of my closest friends. 🙃

• The large boat we took to see the fjords was all-electric. It was both strange and exhilarating to be on such a quiet, modern boat.

• Norway consistently ranks as the top 5 most expensive places to visit, alongside Hong Kong and Singapore. 

• Bergen (the second biggest city) is totally different than Oslo. It’s so much more charming and has a small-town feel.

• I have not had to pull out any cash from the ATM machine. All credit cards baby.

• Norway is one of the last countries to still have a whaling industry. We saw whale sausages. I also read online that you’re not supposed to bring it into the U.S.

• I was surprised when the locals greeted me in Norwegian (or maybe in their other dialect, Sami?) when I walked inside shops and restaurants. I don’t know why I thought everyone would be speaking in English. (I guess I’m a dumb American.)

• The coffee here is really good. So is their salmon. 

Share

In a previous Substack newsletter, I wrote about giving myself some grace when I feel like giving up on writing my memoir. I was just feeling kind of blah.

I knew that forcing myself to keep writing when I wasn’t feeling it would make me resentful and stressed out.

But I have to keep writing to figure out the theme and structure—two things I’m kind of still struggling with.

Subscribe now

After changing the entire story of my memoir in late February, I created a spreadsheet that tracked what I did each morning when I was neglecting my book. I did it to feel productive—to prove to myself I was doing something even if it wasn’t working on my book.

In March, I worked on my memoir for 17 days. Then, as you can see from April, not so much. 

One thing I noticed—I definitely spent a lot of time working on my Substack posts. 😁 The stuff in yellow marks the days I worked on my book. I took a break one day to snowboard, noted in red. 😬

The only time I really worked on my memoir was for my class (Write Your Memoir in 6 Months), which requires students to turn in 2,500 words every other week. I paid a lot of moola for the class (~ $2,000) and didn’t want it to go to waste. My teacher, Brooke Warner, gives such valuable edits and I learn so much each time she returns my writing to me with comments.

The other day I spent a solid two hours banging out 2,500 words and I was surprised at how I refused to stop until I hit that word count.  

But more than wanting to get my money’s worth from the class, spending two hours on one chapter tells me I want to write my book.

I think it’ll help if I focus on one thing at a time. Think: bite-sized. Goal 1—write all my scenes and events in bullets (why is this part so hard?). Goal 2—Do the chapters align with the overall story and theme? 

I think that’s good enough for now.

It’s good to have distractions

In April, I let distractions in while I neglected my manuscript. (Also, why does the word distraction feel so negative?) 

But when I take a step back at these distractions and what I accomplished, I’m like, heyyyyyy, I did all that? 

I am so grateful and amazed at how one thing, like writing a book (I am nowhere close to even finishing), has opened up new pathways. 🤯 I realized these distractions keep me motivated, and now, I’m ready to get back to writing my book. 

Neglecting my book meant I was able to be involved in these projects:

• Partnering up with The Prison Journalism Project where I will soon have a monthly column (I will also be writing about this when it officially launches!)

• Being a guest on Shayla Raquel’s upcoming podcast Crime & Compassion (will update you on this when it is released!)

• Submitting a personal essay about my brother for Writing Class Radio’s podcast (I also plan on dedicating a future Substack about this. I learned so much about emotional writing so the reader cares.)

• Taking a crash course in the art of storytelling for podcasters with the incredible Rob Rosenthal. 

Side note, I was also pretty damn distracted by my new Golden Doodle, Rigs. He is just the best dog ever. 😍

Being open and observant

I’m realizing it’s okay to step away from my book, get distracted, and then come back. I think I was looking for tangible things I could achieve quickly vs. the far away future someday when I finally get to publish my book.  

Maybe next time, I should just declare when I officially take a break and put it on my calendar—these are the dates I will not work on my book. Then, when it’s over, I can jump right back into it. 

I find the whole book-writing process intriguing and I feel like April was sort of an experiment. 

When I do X, I feel like Y…

• When I neglected my book, I felt bad. 

• When I tracked what I did each day on a spreadsheet, I didn’t feel as bad. 

• When I look back on the month, I feel proud of what I accomplished. I am now ready to return to writing. 

I have to keep reminding myself that this is going to take way more time than I ever imagined. It’s going to take a crapload of edits, more distractions, some quiet sobbing in between, and lots of Substack posts that talk about all of it. 

What’s your writing process been like? Similar or totally different than mine? 

Share

More reads…

• When I feel like giving up

• Changing my memoir’s story and testing different book covers to help with inspiration

• A confession: It’s a big part of my memoir

• A most unexpected motivation for writing

The other day I saw a Substack newsletter from Grant Faulkner about quitting and that sometimes, giving up is okay. It spoke to me because there are moments when I feel like giving up on my memoir. At this phase, just the mere thought of publishing feels impossible. But I know I’m not alone and I’m certain this is something every writer experiences. 

To be clear, I’m not giving up. But Grant’s newsletter happened to come to me when I really wanted to. Memoir writing can be like picking at a scab and reopening the wound over and over. It can also be incredibly cathartic and healing—I guess I’ve experienced both. 

In the past, whenever I wanted to give up on a project, I would attempt to muscle my way through it. I can be really rigid with my routines and expectations of myself.

But this time, I’m allowing myself to be okay with not working on my memoir every single morning.

It shall be

Recently, I was listening to an episode about tattoos on The Mel Robbin's Podcast. She had the words “It shall be” inked on the inside of her wrist. 

I thought about those three words and how frustrated I felt about my memoir. Figuring out the structure and my scenes confused me. I hated that I had no immediate answers. 

But then I thought, am I trying to be too in control? I remembered that in life, I’m never in control no matter what my brain says. As Mel said, let go and it shall be.

For me, it meant that I had to trust that my story would unfold, no matter what. I will eventually figure it out. Maybe I need to just be patient.

Share

A new way of working on my memoir

These days when I work on my memoir, I sometimes write shorter scenes. Some mornings I stare at my scene list on Scrivener, moving things around and figuring out if it makes sense. 

I’m trying to think more carefully about the story and ask myself how it’s relevant for readers. Would they care to continue reading? What emotional connections are there? 

Other days, I don’t work on it at all and instead, let things marinate. I use this time to work on other projects that are related to my memoir, like this newsletter. I also write stories about my brother on my other Substack. 

Last week when I was visiting my parents, I recorded them using Garageband and interviewed them about the 1992 L.A. Riots. This is definitely a scene in my memoir, so getting their take was important to me. 

Oo, a podcast

But I also recorded them in the hopes of maybe pursuing a future podcast series about the L.A. Riots. I’ve never sound-mixed a podcast before, but I’ve edited plenty of videos and always feel so satisfied when I watch the final piece.

Whether I decide to do a podcast or not isn’t super important at this point. Just dabbling in the idea of it gives me the motivation to keep going with my story.

I am certain these new pathways will spark more ideas that will strengthen my memoir's structure. 

Giving myself some space means I am still enjoying the process—which is so important. If that ever dies, this project will inevitably go down with it. 

I am okay with taking my time and creating a memoir that is worth reading. It’ll just take longer to reach the finish line. 😌

What do you do when you feel like quitting?

Share

Memoir Junkie Wannabe Author

ReVISIONing the editing process

My approach to editing has always been very rule-based. In grade school, you learn that edits come after your draft. Editing is when you strive for precision, clarity, and perfection. For editing a book, I understood editing to embody two major layers…

Read more

3 years ago · 2 likes · Claire Tak

Memoir Junkie Wannabe Author

Why we should all write more uselessly

Words that never saw the light of day always felt painful to me. So I never wrote just because. I think it’s because I was trained this way. As a writer in various marketing roles at San Francisco-based startups, I wrote furiously but strategically. I needed to write efficiently and not waste time or words. I hated…

Read more

3 years ago · 7 likes · 2 comments · Claire Tak

Memoir Junkie Wannabe Author

A most unexpected motivation for writing

147: Pages written 46,321: Word count completed during NaNoWriMo 65,645: Total word count completed NaNoWriMo is nearly over and I was so excited about all the writing I had gotten done, I had to dedicate this week’s blog to the sheer motivation I’ve experienced this month. It’s been a surprisingly productive writing month and I’m nearly there for my NaNoW…

Read more

3 years ago · Claire Tak

NaNoWriMo is nearly over and I was so excited about all the writing I had gotten done, I had to dedicate this week’s blog to the sheer motivation I’ve experienced this month. It’s been a surprisingly productive writing month and I’m nearly there for my NaNoWriMo goal—I have 3,679 words to go. 

If you missed last Monday’s blog and don’t know what NaNoWriMo is, it’s a nonprofit organization that stands for National Novel Writing Month, which takes place every year in November.

First impressions of NaNoWriMo

I first heard of NaNoWriMo after listening to one of my favorite writing podcasts, Write-Minded, hosted by Brooke Warner and Grant Faulkner (). Grant is the executive director of NaNoWriMo so, in the months leading up to November, he’d talk about virtual events or encourage listeners to join their local chapter. 

The goal is to write 50,000 words during the month, and in theory, finish an entire novel. It sounded herculean—just writing 1,200 words for my clients sometimes feels impossible. 

But at the time, I was in search of a writing community, both on and offline so I added this to my growing list of groups to explore. 

Conquering 50,000 words during NaNoWriMo

As they say, the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. (Is that really a saying?) I can’t recall where I heard this from, and even though no one would ever eat Dumbo, the sentiment rings true. 

Writing 50,000 words breaks down to about 1,650 words a day. It’s a little more than the longest articles I write for some of my clients, so I thought ok, this isn’t impossible. 

I vowed to write in small chunks and do it first thing in the morning. I knew this would be the only way to get this done. I’m usually brain-dead after the first five hours of work in the morning. This is why getting back on my computer in the late afternoon is like mustering up the energy to go to Whole Foods at 5 pm and fight traffic, long lines at the check out, jerks who don’t see the 10 items or less sign…

I also made a commitment to use more of the weekends to spend time on my memoir too. As of now, writing first thing in the morning is winning.

I had zero expectations from NaNoWriMo

The site is pretty basic—you can add buddies and message them. You can also see events and messages from chapter leaders who organize Zoom and in-person writing events. 

The best thing about NaNoWriMo? The totally outdated-looking word count tool. You have to manually update it. The more words you write, you unlock various “badges” along the way that cheer you on. 

It’s just a word count tool, but it feels so magical

This word count tool has been an unexpected productivity godsend for me. I was so stumped by the power of this simple tool and the profound effect it had on my motivation to write each morning.

It gameified the daily chore of writing. I say “chore” because, when you’re writing about your life, not every day is all that great. I’d have to live through events that quite frankly, weren’t the happiest of memories. 

I realize this is all a part of the memoir-writing process, but still… rehashing parts of my life that are painful and sometimes filled with regret—nooooot the best way to start my mornings. But as I kept going, it actually became more cathartic and therapeutic. 

Each time I finished writing, I’d see the word count go up and feel the satisfaction of inching closer to 50,000. 

I also want to clarify that my motivation also had a lot to do with the recent writing class I completed. The class was incredibly helpful, giving me a solid base for my memoir structure and what story I wanted to tell. Without this class, I would just be aimlessly writing gobbly gook.

A new productivity hack I need to try

Recently, I started listening to a non-fiction book about work called “Do Over” by Jon Acuff. I expected nothing from it, as many of these books about how to live a better workday are a dime a dozen. But I actually thought this one was pretty insightful. He talks a lot about your “work savings account”—which entails how to build a strong network to serve as a safety net throughout your career. 

Acuff also shares little tricks that help him stay motivated when tackling projects that feel overwhelming (AKA, the elephant). Apparently, when people feel this way, it’s hard to just start. This is, without a doubt, why Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule has been adopted by millions and made her filthy rich.

Work backward from 100 hours

So, Acuff sets a goal of 100 hours for huge projects. Will it really take 100 hours? Who knows. It’s just a nice number to start with. 

Then, he works backward and removes hours and minutes from the 100 hours each time he works on the project. I suppose it’s the opposite of NaNoWriMo’s word counting tool, but it has the same idea behind it, which is to help you feel like you’re incrementally making progress.

I think I’ll have to try this when my manuscript is done and I’m in the editing phase. 

I used to be a fan of the Pomodoro Method

I’ve spent way too much time testing out various methods and figuring out how to be more productive, including how to run better meetings. I realize this is all time I could’ve spent actually getting real work done. 

If you’re interested in ways to stay productive, the one thing that I used in the past was the Pomodoro Method, which is to turn off all distractions and time yourself for ~ 25 minutes when you work.

Using this method, I’d write for 30 to 45 minutes straight. Then, take a break. Mine would usually last about 10 minutes. I’d use it to check my personal email.

This style of working was okay for a while but then I stopped, mostly because I never really had a problem staying focused. The part that I struggle with is getting started. I think too much about the elephant and then I feel a lot of resistance. 

Counting beyond November

For now, I really like the word count method and I will continue tracking it beyond November. At this rate, I may have my vomit draft by the end of Q1, 2023! 

When it comes to getting projects done, what are your favorite tips for motivation? Don’t be shy, leave me comments.

Looking for a writing community? Consider NaNoWriMo

If you’re a writer looking for a community of other writers or thinking about writing your first essay, book, or novela, you should seriously consider joining NaNoWriMo. It’s totally free. 

You can find your local chapter and partake in Zoom writing events or listen in on guest speakers. There are events happening year-round, not just in November. Take a peek at their calendar.

I’m convinced everyone has experienced a level of procrastination so complicated and frustrating that you don’t even know who you are anymore. Or sometimes, you can’t stand yourself.

I tend to procrastinate, especially when I get stuck on something. I was deep in some major procrastination in the early few months of my book. I’d write, then stop. I’d tell myself, you’re doing everything wrong because you have to get the outline done first. No, just keep writing. Arrrgghhh. It’s like I had my own version of Gollum in my head, constantly contradicting myself and questioning every move.

My book needed events that would need to be turned into scenes and then chapters. Then (in theory) I’d have to piece these all together in a coherent way that makes sense with my timeline. Cue the head-exploding emoji.

Until I took an online class for structure, I basically Googled the shit out of this and didn’t find anything comprehensive (that was free) to help me understand it.

So, I delayed writing because I didn’t know what I was doing. It was confusing and I found myself walking away from my laptop to go vacuum. Or clean my toilet. Or go make a snack. Usually, the snack would win. I eat a lot of snacks.

Getting past the grey area

I swear you can’t be a writer without procrastinating. There are guides, videos, books, webinars, and online classes about how to stop being a lame-o and just write. Even the podcasts I follow go deep on this topic.

Much of the advice seems to be straightforward and fluffy—just write your gosh dang vomit draft. Edit later. Stop stalling. Set a schedule. Do it every day. 

Excuses excuses

I have a lot. Many times, I just don’t have the brain power, as most of it was already spent in the early mornings banging out articles I’m paid to write. Or editing.

Truthfully, I probably work on my book three times a week. I’m trying to get into a daily habit.

My current source of motivation comes from the online writing class I’m taking which requires me to complete weekly homework before class on Thursdays. And it’s been incredibly helpful because I have a deadline and I’m forced to do it. 

But when it comes to writing chapters on my own, it’s a different story. Like right now, I’m writing this Substack article when I could be working on my book. 

Even when I do a solid half hour, 45 minutes, or *gasp* an entire hour of writing, I feel so good. I feel deserving of a walk, lunch, yoga, or a hike.

But on the days I don’t get any writing done, I feel the disappointment creep in. How are you ever going to get this done in a year, you know how fast a year goes. It’s always the same cycle of feeling overwhelmed, then slightly panicked and anxious. 

And this is what sometimes ends up happening—I think about the scenes I need to write—in my head. As in, without writing it down. It’s like being hungry and thinking about a delicious sandwich that isn’t in front of you.

Finding a community of writers

So, this is a very long-winded way of saying that I want to (need to) be around other writers so we can put an end to procrastination. Er, at least when we’re in a room together.

I think I have 20,000-ish words written and maybe a community of writers will help me get to the finish line?

Above photo: I can’t even tell you how many times I grappled with watching Netflix on my projector or writing.

There are tons of writing groups on Facebook, NaNoWriMo, or sites like Meetup or Eventbrite.

There’s even silent writing groups on Zoom. I first heard of this on a writing podcast I follow (I think it was Qwerty—great podcast for aspiring memoir writers, BTW). 

On the podcast, the author said she wouldn’t have been able to finish her book without these daily Zoom sessions. She’d log on, turn on her camera to say hi for a hot second, and then, cameras off and everyone writes furiously for two hours. 

My mind was kind of blown. 

I thought about joining but never did. I’m not sure why, I just never got around to it. Maybe I’m just more of an IRL kind of person. (IRL = in real life)

Write together

There’s something about the human psyche and our desire to be connected to others who share in the misery, the struggle, the challenge. We’re all in it together. Plus, writing can be pretty lonely.  

There’s long been scientific evidence that points to the strongest predictor of a species’ brain size and direct correlation to the size of its social group. Basically, our brains are big so we can process all the socializing we do. (If this stuff interests you, read “Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect,” by Matthew Leiberman.)

I went to Shut Up & Write

So last week, I took my big brain to a Shut Up & Write that I found on Meetup. I was giddy about attending a first-ever-since-the-pandemic writing sesh in Manoa. 

There are so many reasons why I was ecstatic about this. I wanted to…

• Get out of my damn apartment

• Share my love of writing with others

• Listen and learn something from the other writers

Not only did I meet some truly spectacular writers, but I banged out such amazing scenes for my memoir that I damn near floated to the ceiling.

The hour of writing was intense. I was in the flow. I did a double take when I looked at the clock and saw the entire hour had gone by. Wooooot. If I can write like this regularly, I can have my book done lickety split.

Perfect setup at Waioli Kitchen & Bake Shop

I have to give Ross a shout-out (and Nicole for organizing it here).

We met at Waioli, which is one of those places that makes you feel so lucky to live in Hawaii. Waioli serves delicious coffee, brunch, and baked goods. It could have passed for an elegant plantation home plopped in the middle of Jurassic Park.

I met the owner, Ross, who totally embodies the Aloha Spirit. We chatted for a few minutes and he asked what I was working on. I was a bit taken aback by his insightful questions about my book. He asked, “What’s in it for the reader?” Oh crap.

I definitely rambled, but I think I managed to give him a decent answer because smiled and looked satisfied.

Wrapping up the writing hour 

After writing, we went around the room and discussed the books everyone was working on and what brought us to the meetup. It was a group of around 10 people. Some were published authors while others (like me) were hoping to publish their first book. 

One gal said it was her very first time writing all of the thoughts she had in her head and wrote over 900 words. We applauded in delight. Another woman published 28 books!

Inevitably, the topic turned to procrastination. We talked about everything we do to avoid writing. We play video games, stare at the wall, clean, walk our dogs, yell at our husbands…

Shut Up & Write exceeded my expectations and I think it was a win for everyone. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing the same faces return week after week to escape the horror of procrastination and to get some writing done.

Helpful links

• Shut Up & Write (This group isn’t just in Hawaii, they’re in many major cities in the U.S.)

• NaNoWriMo.org (Join your local chapter and set your goal for the month!)

• Writing with Aloha (Writers from Hawaii FB group)

• The24hourroom.org (For the folks who need someone at any hour of the day.) Here is their calendar.  

• First Draft Weekly Writer’s Group: I joined this virtual writing group about a month ago. (I plan on doing an entire newsletter on this and will go more in-depth.) In a nutshell, it’s $35 a month to practice personal essay-style writing. We Zoom each week and are given writing prompts.   

• Eventbrite: Look for writing events or local book signings to connect with more writers in your area.