The bad news of writing a memoir

Why do we do it?

I’ve never been one to romanticize writing a book. I always saw it as something that felt impossible—writing all those words and then making sure those words create tension, emotion, and meaning? Yeah. Impossible.

When I decided to write my memoir, I knew it would be an uphill endeavor. I did my best to learn. I took a bunch of writing classes, went to conferences, connected with some truly great people, and gained insights into the publishing industry. While these things fueled me to keep going, they also made me feel more discouraged.

It was as if the book-writing community commiserated in the bad news of writing a book.

The deadline that forever feels like ‘someday’

Lately, I’ve been flooded with self-doubt in finishing my memoir. I keep wondering when I will finish this book. When? It doesn’t help that I’ve only been dedicating 15 minutes daily to work on my chapters. For now, these 15 minutes are all I can do, which only frustrates me more because I don’t want it to take 10 years to finish. 

Then, throw in the stuff I’ll have to deal with when it comes to publishing—the rejections, harsh critiques, and moments of sheer jealousy (you know what I’m talking about… the person who wrote their first book and immediately got a book deal).

So, why do we do it? 

Honestly, there are moments when I don’t know. I tell myself that maybe I should just walk away and be okay with everything I learned about writing my chapters and story structure. Maybe I should just move on to writing my first fiction book. 

But no matter how much this idea appeals to me, I can’t.

I have to keep going because I’ve made it this far, but more than that, it’s this need to put my story out into the world. As much as I complain, I still enjoy picking apart my past.

Each time I’d write a new scene, I realized something new about myself that sparked more questions—maybe it didn’t happen the way I thought it did. 

I can only visualize this process in that infamous “Matrix” scene when Neo plunges backward to dodge bullets in slow motion. When I write, I see past conversations and situations frozen. I shine a new light on it and turn it every way, studying its new shadows, angles, and shapes. 

Writing is therapy

It’s cliche to say that writing is therapy. But sometimes, cliches can save your life.

Memoir writing means picking at old wounds and scars. Before I started my book, I did a really good job of carefully tucking away traumatic parts of my life.

But writing, editing, rewriting, and sharing these scenes with my teachers, writing groups, and writing buddies made me feel like those tough times weren’t all that bad.

It sounds counterintuitive, but in identifying gaps in my writing and what was lacking from an emotional standpoint, I became a third-party observer of my own story. It was almost like the trauma happened to someone else.

Writing my story helped me feel a stronger connection with my own emotions. I’m learning to make sense of my past and come to terms with many things I used to feel so wronged by. When I look at my book this way, it helps ease some of the frustration and anxiety I feel about reaching the finish line.

P.S.

A few quick changes on my site:

I made a paid version. You can now upgrade to $5 a month to support my work. (You’ll see an “Upgrade to paid” button at the top right corner of my site. I did this upon the advice of a fellow Substacker who said I should turn it on no matter how many subscribers I have. So, I thought, ok, why not? No pressure, but it’s there in case you want to upgrade your subscription!)

I organized my site by categories. I think you can specifically subscribe to any of these:

• Writer Tips

• Chapters (from my memoir or share chapters from other writers)

• Substack Stuff (this is about growing subscribers, stuff about Substack, etc.)

• Life (the things I’ve learned about life as a result of writing my book — mostly, anyway)

• My Favs (recommendations for favorite books, memoirs, podcasts, anything I am currently into)