Stress & burnout: How do you deal?

Last week my mom was in the hospital, and that gave me some perspective.

May 10, 2024

Thank you for reading. To the new people here, I appreciate you and am super grateful you chose to follow my Substack. A special shout-out to Nancy for being a paid member.

Seeing all of the engagement and subscribes was truly a light in what would have otherwise been a pretty dark week. My mom broke her hip, and I felt compelled to write about it and share it with you. I hope you’ll leave me a comment and tell me how you deal with intense stress.

“It was more painful than when I had you,” my 73-year-old mom pointed her index finger at me for emphasis. I was at the hospital last week, asking her for the details of her fall, and subsequent broken hip.

She fell while I was in Hawaii visiting my sister. When I was on the plane ride coming back, I saw a text message that said she recovering from surgery. That’s right. My mom sent a text. 😐

It reminded me of the time she sent an email to me and my sister, informing us that Dad had colon cancer and needed surgery. It was nearly two decades ago, but I remember she said not to worry and that he would be just fine, insert happy face emoji.

I will never quite understand how she delays this kind of information from the very children who are trying to take care of her. But I digress—forgive me for the brief venting—that’s not what today’s newsletter is about.

It’s about what I learned from last week’s situation. These are the three things I need to get better at doing. I hope my mom’s fall will have some takeaways for you, too.

1. Asking for help.

So, back to the story. I got back from Hawaii and hit the ground running. I dropped off my suitcase at my parents and drove to the hospital at 9 pm. Mind you, my bedtime is 9 pm. I stayed an extra week to take care of my elderly dad and see my mom in the hospital in the evenings.

My work schedule is very demanding, and I barely have time for breaks, let alone stopping to make meals for my dad during the day. (How do people have jobs and kids?!)

The minute it turned 5 or 6 p.m., I jammed over to the hospital, which was over an hour away (sometimes an hour and thirty with extra LA traffic). I left dinner on the table for my dad, and all the while, I mentally tried to keep it together.

I could feel my stress levels rising because whenever this happens, my mind races with constant to-do lists, frantically searching for what I must do next. I can’t shut it off; sometimes, it follows me to bed and takes me a while to fall asleep. If it’s bad, I’ll even dream about my to-do lists.

I have a few close friends who live nearby, and they asked how they could help. I responded with a casual “thank you but no thank you,” because I didn’t even know what kind of help I needed, plus asking them to do something felt weird.

One friend asked if I needed groceries. I had just gone to the store, but because I was in a rush, I had missed a few items, like sweet potatoes and yogurt.

This is when I noticed the stress kicking in again. It’s so bizarre. Would it have been a tragedy that I didn’t have sweet potatoes and yogurt? Of course not. But for some reason, my mind kept wandering back to those damn sweet potatoes and yogurt that were at the store, which felt a world away because I was just too busy to drive there.

After some thought, and because I really wanted those sweet potatoes and yogurt, I asked her to get them for me and thanked her profusely. An hour later, she dropped off the groceries, and right away, I felt so much better—not because she was bringing the bag of groceries, but because I got to see her. Even though she was only for five minutes, I felt comforted by the gesture, and the warm hug.

A few friends actually Venmoed me money to get groceries, buy a meal for my mom and dad, or get a massage for myself. I was so touched and filled with gratitude.

When do you notice stress levels going up?
What are you doing in your life to ask for the help you need?
Maybe it’s a work project that feels overwhelming and you need to ask for more support or time to get it done.
Maybe it’s asking your partner to pick up around the house more.
Maybe it’s having an inner dialogue to be a little nicer… to yourself.

2. Prioritizing

Usually, when I’m stressed, I take many short breaks by walking, seeing the sun, and going to yoga. I wasn’t able to do any of those things last week because I was stretched thin for time with work, making food for my dad, and running to the hospital in the evenings. My anxiety was high.

To help ease some of the tension I felt around the million things I had to do, I reminded myself that I’m only one person, and there’s only so much I can do. I asked myself, “What’s most important?”

The number one thing was seeing my mom each day. I got to spend quality time with my mom, perched in her wheelchair while I sat on the grey visiting chair. We talked about how she was doing that day, how much pain she was in, and what she did in rebab. She even threw in some childhood stories.

I also managed to prioritize a bit of friend time with a few people for dinners and good conversations. Even though I was feeling overwhelmed, I needed the mental break and honestly, I just wanted to take my mind off of the day.

How do you prioritize when things get tough?
Who’s your support team?

3. Anticipating change and reminding myself to accept the present.

When I was on the plane and saw my mom’s text message, it took a while for it to sink in. I was like, what just happened?

Then, I started spiraling.

Because my dad’s health isn’t the best, I wondered if I would have to move back home to take care of both of them. I imagined my mom being in pain for the rest of her life because of “that darn time I fell.” I pictured her walking with a limp and a cane. I thought about the metal screw in her hip, slowly coming undone because of her osteoporosis.

I wasn’t mentally prepared for this, but I caught myself spiraling, and in that moment, I needed to remind myself that… whatever happens will happen. I can’t control it by thinking about it or trying to prepare myself for various future scenarios.

Change will happen no matter what. Life is fluid and nothing stays the same. Life doesn’t care that you expected it to be a certain way. Before this incident, I thought my mom would always be able to go on walks with me, drive her car, and help my dad. In an instant, all of those things changed.

What makes this situation bearable is seeing the good in it. Getting support from my friends, prioritizing what was most important, and accepting the future helped me move forward in a positive way.

As I sit at my desk and write this (I’m finally home after three weeks away!), I am struck by the feeling that nothing is different, but everything is different.

My mom gets out of the hospital today after weeks of intense pain and three-times-a-day therapy sessions. We’ve also enlisted the help of a caregiver to come several times a week to help both of my parents. My friends continue to message me, reminding me to reach out if I need it. 🥰

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For more… check out my mom’s Substack or listen to a podcast I did with her about the time our store burned down in the L.A. Riots.