Finding self-worth when I'm not being productive

You may have noticed a theme on MJWA these days about taking things easier, learning to relax more, and understanding what it means to be nicer to myself.

Today’s newsletter is about being on a mental break and stepping away from my usual need to “power through” and be productive.

When I try to relax, I don’t let myself savor the moment because it’s not tied to achieving something (i.e., work or writing). I wanted to discuss this with you today (and honestly, it took me a while to write this one. I struggled with why it was so difficult to untangle myself from this desire to be productive) and share what I went through over the last few months. 

Question for you to think about as you’re reading: How do you handle moments when you feel like you could be doing more? How do you give yourself some grace?

A few months ago, I took a leave of absence from work due to a health crisis. I’m doing okay, but still kind of in the thick of things. 😔

Being a pretty healthy person, this news came as a shock to me. Something told me the diagnosis wouldn’t get better with the amount of work stress I was dealing with, so I went on short-term disability.

My goal was to get better, but the routine that came with my job suddenly disappeared, and honestly, it all felt so foreign and weird. I kept thinking that I needed to do something productive—never mind that doing nothing was the best thing I could do for my health.

Health crisis or not, I know I’m not alone in this—I’m a product of society’s “busy is better” culture.

I’m not doing all the things = I’m not worthy.

I had become addicted to marking something off on my to-do list because each time I did, I got that little hit of dopamine and empowerment.

Over the last few months, I was struck by how much my self-worth and ability to enjoy life were tied to my achievements.

How I got here 

I’ve always been a working gal. For the most part, I’ve enjoyed a marketing and writing career in tech, despite the high stress. I was the type of person who always had a side hustle in addition to my full-time job. I wrote articles on the side for clients and would complete these assignments in the wee hours of the morning before heading off to my full-time job. I was maximizing my days—both from a career and financial standpoint. 

But I didn’t love this lifestyle. I was often tired and in bed by 8 pm because my days started at 4:30 am. As you can imagine, I also didn’t have much of a social life.

After many years of working this schedule and trying to do more and earn more, I constantly fantasized about having time off beyond the usual one-week vacation. I thought how efficient I’d be if I didn’t have to work—I could finally take an art class, become a yoga teacher, bake banana bread to my heart’s content, write more Substack newsletters, finish my memoir… 

So when my leave of absence was approved, I thought maybe I could fill my days with some of these activities. But I quickly found that I wasn't motivated to write when I sat at my laptop. The last thing I wanted to do was be on the computer. My brain didn’t want to cooperate and because of my health, I began to see it wasn’t an option to try and be productive.

Rather than fight it, I began to recognize these moments as signals. Maybe I needed to stop and think. Slow down. What were my actions telling me?

I realized I was totally burnt out.

Settling into a free schedule

As the days rolled by, I leaned into this relaxed state a bit more, and the constant desire to be productive slowly faded. 

Besides a long morning walk with my Goldendoodle Rigs (the absolute love of my life… side note, I will write a doggie-centric newsletter soon!), I let the day (and weather) dictate what I did. I wasn’t forcing myself to write or sit at my desk to figure out how to be more productive.

Not having a real schedule took some getting used to. At first, it was thrilling to have such freedom and autonomy. I made frequent visits to my doctors and went through a few surgeries and weeks of recovery. I also made plenty of trips to the grocery store, the dog park, and hung out with family.

After a while, I felt like the weeks blurred into one long day, and filling my days with errands and Trader Joe’s felt monotonous and empty. I started to dread the chunks of my day when I had nothing to do.

Although I was resting and being mindful of my stress levels, I still had that niggling feeling that I wasn’t living up to my potential each day, so therefore, I didn’t deserve to have fun or enjoy the day. I felt kind of lost.

But why couldn’t I just be lost? What was it about uncertainty that always seemed to rattle my nerves? 

I thought about this a lot, and I’m not sure I have a good answer, other than I’ve always been like this. I like to know I’m in control and that I have a plan.

But with my current health, I don’t have a plan or know what the future will bring. All I can do is assess how I’ve been living my life and always trying to control everything. I wanted to try something different—to just be lost but still find joy and satisfaction in each day.

So, as time passed, it got easier to do what I never thought possible—turn on Netflix in the early afternoon or take a quick cat nap on the couch. 

I’ve gotten more comfortable with not having a routine and a set schedule for the day. I learned that when my body is in a state of rest, I can see (and relish) the small things even more—like the day I found Rigs sleeping like this!

Long morning walks with Rigs have become a lifesaver for me.

Rigs’ first encounter with a deer.

Seeing him trot around, chase the ball, and perk up at the sight of a rabbit or squirrel makes me so happy. 

Testing out the water at the dog park.

I’ve also used this time to connect with my friends and family more. They’ve been a huge source of strength, and I’m so grateful. 

Growth, self-discovery, and becoming stronger

I see this challenging moment as a lesson. For now, I’m noting where I can pause and continue to explore why being unproductive makes me feel so gosh darn bad about myself. Hopefully, it’ll help create a deeper connection to myself to not only overcome this health issue but also anything else that comes my way.

These days, I’m unproductive as hell. I can’t keep a routine or schedule and no longer have to-dos to keep track of. But these last few months have shown me that I am still whole and worthy without any of those things.

3 signs it was time for a break from writing my book

Tiny crisis, big lesson

Stress & burnout: How do you deal?